Discombobulated.

I'll get back to writing more when my thoughts are clear.

My mind is spinning in circles almost every minute of every day.

Until then...
Go tell someone that you love just how much you love them.
And tell them why. Everyone deserves to know why they are wonderful.
And be sure to tell them over and over again.
No one gets sick of hearing it.
And you never know when you won't ever get to tell them again...

Oh what I'd give to tell her just a few hundred more times.
Or even just once.
She truly was wonderful.
More so than I ever knew...until now.

Emotional

Emotions are such a bizarre thing..

I feel so much love.
Excitement.
Enthusiasm.
Joy.

Being engaged makes everything so fun.

But there are days I feel nothing but sadness.
Anger.
Confusion.
Lonely.

I miss my friend so much.

It's just so strange that I can feel two extremes at the exact same time.

I'm in love. I'm so happy. The only thing that could make me happier is if I had Hilly to share this with.

Going Over To Hilly's

I'm going to Hillary's apartment today to help sort through some of her stuff. Also, I'm going to collect a few things that I want to keep.

I'm so scared. I don't know why I feel scared, but I do.
I know that I am afraid to smell you there. Everything is going to smell like you. It's going to break my heart to be there without you.

Gosh. I still can't believe this is real.

Missing you.

I saw you today, laying there in your new clothes wrapped up underneath a blanket.
You looked so peaceful and beautiful.
I went there for closure.
It didn't work at all.

The whole time I was there, I felt like you were going to open your eyes and surprise me.
I felt like you were going to text me as soon as I left.
I feel like you will call anytime and ask to hang out.

None of this makes sense to me.
It just doesn't add up.
I want to accept it and know that your in Heaven with the two most important men in your life - God and your dad.
Maybe I'm being selfish.
But I don't know how else to be.
I just want you back. I want you here.
I want to hug you, tell you I love you. I want to hang out, and make a million more memories together.
But I can't. And I won't be able to.

I've shed more tears this past two days than in the last many years combined.
I'm sad...but I know I haven't even accepted it yet.
It's still unreal to me. So incredibly unreal.
I knew this day could come, but I never thought it would.

I wish people knew the bond we had. Maybe I wouldn't feel so lost then. But I honestly feel like not one person truly knows how much fun I had with you, and how much we loved each other.
I love you. I love you sooo much. So much more than even I knew until now.

My Dear Friend...

Almost 21 years has passed since I've known you...all of which we've been best friends.
You've been more than a friend to me, you've been family.
You never hesitated to be there for me, and you knew I was always there for you, too.
I've never had a friend like you, and I know I never will find another.
You're unique. You're sweet, gentle, caring, beautiful, and kind.
We've had our ups and downs...but who hasn't?
We've shared so many memories, laughter, and tears.
And on this day, I shed tear after tear for you.
Not because I feel sorry for you.
But because I miss you.
I’m filled with regrets, pain, and sadness.
But I know you’re with your daddy.
You’ve always been a daddy’s little girl.
I know he’s taking such great care of you, and I’m sure your smile is more beautiful than ever at this moment.
Tell him I love him, and to give you a huge hug for me.
Just know that I miss and love you more than you can possibly imagine.
I never thought this day would come. And I hate that it did.
But Hilster, you were and always will be one of my very best friends.
My heart will forever hold a place for you.
I love you. I adore you. I miss you.
My best friend, my sister, and now, my Angel.

"Enjoy Life While You Can"

—Idiom

10. take for granted,

a. to accept without question or objection; assume: Your loyalty to the cause is taken for granted.

b. to use, accept, or treat in a careless or indifferent manner: A marriage can be headed for trouble if either spouse begins to take the other for granted

Have you ever stopped to think about all of the things we take for granted? If you don't find yourself ever doing that...take a walk inside a nursing home, a hospital, a cemetery, or even some of the less fortunate places in the world. Take a moment to see what you have that others don't, and never will. Think about how fortunate you are to have your friends, family, etc. And be thankful for your ability. The ability to feel happiness, sadness, anger, love, passion, and so on. Not everyone has that ability. Some people were born with disorders that may inhibit their ability to do such things, and some have lost their lives before they got the chance to experience them.

Please, just think about it. I have a lot lately, thanks to my job. But there is no better way to realize that the time to be happy is now. You never know how long you have to live, orhow often you'll get the chances to enjoy these simple yet amazing things in your life. As a very wise man that I take care of says to me almost every day"enjoy life while you can." Never have I been given better advice.

Love with all of your heart, and make sure the ones you love are reminded every single day.
And remember to open your eyes, take a moment, and just be thankful. This is your only life...so darnit...make it count!

Gone baby, gone...

First day today without Dan here. It hasn't been too bad. I've got an ache in my back and a week full of work to keep my mind busy. I sure miss him a lot already. Long distance (if just over 100 miles counts) can be really tough, but they can be the most rewarding at times. I honestly cannot say I have ever met another couple with communication as good as Dan and I's. We aren't together a majority of the time, so we talk non-stop. We have built our entire relationship on trust...and in the end, I think that is the most important aspect to any relationship. I trust him with my life, and I know that my heart is in great hands. And unfortunately, for the rest of summer, his hands are in Bend, instead of in mine :( One pro of this summer, however: Baseball!!



On a brighter note, the sun came out to play today! It's a beautiful day. Nothing but good things to come for the rest of the month. Two weddings, a bachelorette party that I'm getting to plan, baseball games to attend, and a three-day weekend later this month! Also, now that Dan is away, I get to spend endless time with my family and friends, so I can't complain much there ;) June is going to be a good month...I can feel it! Now all I ask to not feel is the pain in my back that's keeping me from having any fun.

Long time no write...

Busy busy busy....those three little words explain my life right now!

I've been working full-time, and trying to spend as much time with Dan as I can before he leaves for Bend. I'm so excited for him to get to live in such a beautiful warm and sunny town this summer, but pretty bummed about it, too. There's not much else I can say about it other than I really hope this summer is all he hopes it will be.

Work has been going well. I realized that I'm more of a punching bag to these people than a caregiver, but what can ya do. I cannot do anything, unfortunately. But in all honesty, I really do like my job. And I have learned to love and bond with the residents I work with. I get along great with my coworkers, too, which is awesome.

Life has been good :) I've gotten to spend lots of time with Dan this past couple weeks. Every day and night! It's been awesome having him around. If he were here all summer, I doubt we'd be as attached every two seconds, but since I know he's leaving - it's hard not to be. On another note, I've been pretty motivated lately to kick my butt into shape. Although I haven't gone to the gym every day like I would like, I've been going a decent amount and really pushing myself when I am there. I even have an appointment with a trainer this Friday! :) I'm really excited about it, because I know it'll be that extra push and motivation that will help me achieve what I want.

Although I've been busy, every day I can't help but think of the importance in enjoying the little things. Sometimes Dan and I will be sitting there, thinking of things we should go do...when really some of our best moments are spent just in each others arms. There is nothing better than finding the joy in the small things. Being able to be happy and content with what you have in front of you. I love being able to say I had a great day when all it consisted of is hanging out with my family, or with Dan.

Anywho...nothing too insightful. Just hadn't been on here in what seems like forever, so I thought I'd check in. I'm sure I'll be on much more once Mr. Winterstein goes away. Until then, smile, love, and be thankful :) Lord knows I am!

p.s. Sunshine sometime soon would be much appreciated, don't ya think?!

Having him home this month has been nothing less than perfect :)
It's amazing getting to spend every day with him!
I am so in love.



And, to make things even better...Annie gets married in 40 days!! :)
I can't wait!!!

Sweet Channing...

Baby Channing is on his way and I can't wait to meet him! :)

Beautiful, isn't she?!

This woman is my grandma, or as I call her, Grandma Joanne.
She is my one and only grandparent that I still have, but I'm not complaining.
She is amazing.
She's genuine, sincere, and has a better relationship with God than most people I know.
I love her so much.

She's been in and out of the hospital twice in the past week, and it's not settling well with anyone. She's had constant symptoms and the doctors aren't finding anything wrong. She was in the ER this evening, and was already released. It's frustrating, but I suppose they are doing their best. Hopefully it's just a phase, and will pass over. But until then, any prayer would be well appreciated.

I love her more than anything and can't wait to make many more great memories with her.

"To find the universal elements enough; to find the air and the water exhilarating;
to be refreshed by a morning walk or an evening saunter; to be thrilled by the
stars at night; to be elated over a bird’s nest or a wildflower in spring — these
are some of the rewards of the simple life."
– John Burroughs

How perfectly stated? Makes me think of why I love camping so much...I love falling asleep knowing that the sky is filled with stars above me, and waking up to sunshine and birds singing their morning songs.
Nature has amazed me lately. Don't get me wrong, I've always had a love for the outdoors, but I'm becoming a sap for noticing the littlest things it has to offer. Like one of my previous blogs said, I love watching rain drops hit the top of water. I love watching leaves sway in the wind right when fall hits. I love seeing things bloom the minute we get some sunshine.

Today's favorite:



Cherry Blossoms.

They are everywhere. I love when springtime begins, because we get these pretty little pink flowers all over town. Although they usually are the first sign that my allergies are going to start killing me, I get so excited! It's like a constant party everywhere you go with pink confetti flying all over the place! Plus, it usually means that the sunshine is coming our way. No complaints there :)

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing.

Sitting here, waiting for Dan to get back from class, wishing I was cuddled up with him right now.

Until he returns, I will just smile :)

Being in love is enough to keep me happy. It's more than enough. It's perfection.

I Love You, Daniel Winterstein.
Always will.
I promise.

Love Life

“I decided, very early on, just to accept life unconditionally; I never expected it to do anything special for me, yet I seemed to accomplish far more than I had ever hoped. Most of the time it just happened to me without my ever seeking it.” - Audrey Hepburn

Hope

It keeps me going...

Raindrops Dancing

I decided to hop in the hot tub by myself this evening, while it was still light out.
I usually get in when it's dark, but for some reason I just had the urge.
It began raining while I was in there, and I couldn't help but notice the raindrops dancing along the top of the water. It was almost magical. It reminded me of a water show, but more serene.



I got to thinking while I was out there about how fortunate I am.
I officially have two jobs! One is a full-time job, and one is just a day or so a week (with GREAT discounts!) I am so excited to start tomorrow!!
Oh, did I mention that the full-time job is close enough that I can ride my bike?! :) I bought myself a bike lock today!

Now I'm gonna rock the fresh-outta-the-shower, no make-up, big comfy clothes, and glasses for the rest of the night since I have to be at work at 6am tomorrow. It's time for some relaxation :)

Play Ball!

It breaks your heart. It is designed to break your heart. The game begins in spring, when everything else begins again, and it blossoms in the summer, filling the afternoons and evenings, and then as soon as the chill rains come, it stops and leaves you to face the fall alone. ~A. Bartlett Giamatti, "The Green Fields of the Mind," Yale Alumni Magazine, November 1977

I'm praying for sunshine and 3 wins this weekend!
GO BRUINS!

I've Got Sunshine...

What a beautiful day...



What more to get you motivated than a ray of sunshine shining through your windows?
I couldn't be more thrilled.

Friendship...

Friend: a person you know well and regard with affection and trust.
Synonyms: Buddy, companion, sidekick.

I've been thinking a lot about friends lately. Trying to discover who my true friends are. They come in groups. I have my friends that I only see while partying or at get-togethers. I have my friends that I can talk to anytime I want, but I don't trust with everything. And I have my friends that have been there for my unconditionally. Those are the ones worth keeping. That group in specific is a pretty small one, consisting mostly of family. But I consider myself lucky. Some people aren't too close with their family. I feel so blessed to say that my mom and sister are my best friends. It's also an amazing feeling to say one of my best friends is my boyfriend. I've also got a couple girls that I couldn't live without :)

In the past few years, I've had a lot of friends come and go. Thankfully, a couple have come back...and one has become a pretty big part of my life again. But some have left and never returned. It hurts, but it's a part of life one must accept. I guess sometimes I just expect too much out of people. Unfortunately, it seems that I have let myself do that again. But what can a girl do? I know that I am a good friend. I am genuine and caring...and possibly too nice. But I have a big heart and that's never going to change.

Anywho, moral of the story is that I can't stop thinking about how grateful I am for the few great friends I have. I wish I saw it like this all of the time, but I don't always have such optimism. I have a family that cares more about me than anyone I know...and I couldn't ask for much more than that. So what if my best friends are related to me? It doesn't make them any less of a friend, and doesn't make me any less popular :)

Beating With Happiness...

Not really feeling too sleepy tonight, although the snoring boy next to me couldn't agree. I love knowing that he's dreaming about me, too :) I know this for a fact tonight because he just rolled over, and in his sleepy-voice that he has when he's sleep-talking, he says "Hannah I can see your underwear in this picture." I can't help but just smile.

I caught myself just staring at him for a while tonight, thinking about how lucky I am to have him. Our relationship isn't perfect all of the time, but it comes pretty damn close. I truly don't think I could ever find someone who treats me better. This trip seeing him has been one of the best yet. We went out with friends last night and I haven't had more fun than that in a long time. I am so comfortable around him. Comfortable enough that I know, no matter what, he'll always think that I'm beautiful. He makes me feel so great about myself. All the constant reminders he gives me are incredible. He just has a way of making me feel like nothing I can describe.

Love is a funny thing. Sometimes it's easy to get so caught up in being "comfortable" with each other that you lose sight of the little things. But this trip has been different. It's been like we just began dating. All of the butterflies came back. I love it :)

As I lay here, listening to him breathe really heavy (my poor boy has a sore throat tonight), thoughts and images of fun times keep running through my head. I think of some my favorite past times, as well as day dream about the future. He just fills my heart with happiness.

And my goodness...the boy is beautiful. Even beautiful when he sleeps :)

Love is an amazing thing!

Cheers to 21 Years...

I'm 21! Legal and free to do what I want.
It feels so great!!
I had an amazing birthday, and it's being followed by what should be an amazing trip :)

Las Vegas here I come :)
I cannot wait!

The nightlife will be great, but I'm even more excited for this:

OH YES.
I get to see my all-time favorite musician in concert while I'm there.
GARTH FREAKIN BROOKS!

#1 on my bucket list.....check!

Touches my Heart...

Posted on PostSecret's Site This Week...

Isn't it amazing how much these furry little guys can make such a difference in our lives?!
I don't think I could ever live without a dog in my life.
My pups mean so much to me. I am in love with them :)

Bouncin' Off The Walls...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IH1Z9DEDqpk

I have loved this video the moment I saw it.
It could be because I am slightly obsessed with dancing, and I'm a complete dork most of the time.
But I love the free spirits of the people in the video :)
That looks like true love to me :)
I just get happy when I see this. It makes me really excited to have a house with my man someday :)

Plus, the fact that Josh Turner is sexy as can be doesn't hurt the situation ;)

Goodbye Manor...

Wow. I worked my last day at my work today!
There are certainly some faces I won't miss seeing, but so many more that I will.

I made a difference. Sounds corny, but I did. One woman (a resident) had a tear fall when she heard it was my last day. How sweet is that?
It was hard to say goodbye, but so great to walk out. Being a CNA is hard work, and I'd be lying if I said taking a few weeks off won't be nice. However, each and every person I helped became like a grandparent to me in a sense. They became my friends. Some shared personal stories with me, others hugs and kisses (only on the head, of course). But each and every one of them will be missed, and I hope that the remaining aids will care for them in a way I did.

Being a CNA is tough. There are so many entertaining, disgusting, hilarious, and emotionally exhausting elements to it. There have been so many deaths in the past couple months, that I think it will be good to clear my head for a while. But how many people can say they got to hold hands, hug, and pray with each person before they passed? I got that opportunity, and those people knew they weren't alone.

I met some great friends through the facility as well. I met some nurses that inspired me, and some that treated and cared for me as if I was one of their own kids. And I made a couple friends of which I have every intention of keeping in contact with.

But I'm home now. Back in my hometown, with my family and friends I love most. If being a CNA teaches you anything, it's the value of love and relationships. It teaches you to value what time you have with those that you love, because it can be over before you know it. And no matter what, I always need to be thankful for my health and happiness, because it doesn't stick around forever. It also teaches ya to be thankful that you know how to wipe your own butt while ya can ;) Trust me - it's a blessing! haha



I must admit - smile's only get more beautiful with age. There is something about an elderly person's smile that is unlike any other. It genuinely warms my heart.

I feel at ease while I'm lying here in bed now. I'm so happy to know that I'm done. Other than a few finals next week, I have no major responsibilities at the moment. I haven't been able to say that in a looooong time!

Life just keeps getting better :)
I've got amazing friends that I plan to keep forever, an incredible family that I love dearly, and a boyfriend that means the world to me!

Til Death Do Us Part?

One of my best friends is getting married, so I can't help but think of weddings lately. I told her how excited I am to get married to Dan someday, and she responded with lots of excitement as well. I got to see her in her wedding dress a few days ago, and she looked beautiful. Trying on my bridesmaid dress, seeing her with her gown and vail on...I just couldn't be any happier for her.

Then last night approached and I ended up scrap-booking with another close friend. In my free time, I've been scrap-booking pictures of Dan and I for our house that we will have together someday. Then she and I got on the topic of weddings. Her and her boyfriend haven't been together nearly as long as Dan and I, but are very in love and are talking about engagement. Love is a crazy little thing isn't it? Anywho, she showed me some dresses that she liked and so on.

When I got home last night, weddings were all I could think about. Not necessarily hoping to get married asap, just excited for when the day does come. I decided to kill some time by looking at dresses online. Two words: Maggie Sottero. My goodness...walking down the aisle in any of her dresses would be a dream come true. They are so unbelievably perfect :)

As if wedding stuff wasn't on my mind enough as it is, I got a text from an old friend saying, "I just had a dream that I was at the cutest wedding ever, and it was yours and Dan's!"

As I was throwing the ball for the dogs this morning, I couldn't help but day dream about my wedding someday. Funny thing is...all I could think about was Dan. I wasn't picturing what my dress would look like, where it'd be, what colors I'd have....All I was picturing was the handsome face of the man that I love smiling back at me. Also, I couldn't help but visioning coming home to our house, and knowing that I get to stay with him there for as long as I'd like. How exciting is that?! Knowing that someday we will devote our entire lives to each other is a feeling like no other. Probably sounds crazy for me to talk this openly about it, but I'm in love. I am so in love that I want the world to know. I'm not embarrassed by it, or anything of that such. I know millions of women would kill to have a guy like him. He's sweet, selfless, caring, sexy, athletic, determined, motivated, romantic, and driven to get what he wants out of life. He tells me every single day that he cannot wait to marry me. I truly am a lucky girl :)

So...wedding bells in the near future? Who knows. Maybe it's just a strange series of coincidences, or maybe it's a sign that our future together is just around the corner. Either way, I am in love. And I will settle with that :)

A New Beginning...

Although the song itself really has nothing to do with my life, I cannot stop singing "Home" by Chris Daughtry. "Well I'm going home, back to the place where I belong" are the lyrics I keeps singing over and over - every time with a smile on my face!

I finally got all of my stuff moved out today. Today was an easy one cause all we had left to move was the bed and TV, so it wasn't too bad. I might be a bit wrong to say it wasn't bad since my parents already had the bed in the truck by the time I got there, and out of it by the time I got home (thanks guys!). But anyways, I vacuumed that room for the last time, ever! My goodness I wish I could explain how good it felt.

The room that I will not be missing!
Nor will I miss that moldy smell.
Or the constant earthquakes that the basketball causes every time it hits my window!

Anywho, now I'm home and gotta get my act together and organize! It's weird though, because I can't wait to begin! I'm in this "get er done" kind of mood. Can't wait to start fresh.

So happy to be back to good 'ol Silver Oak :) Adios Jackson!

Finding Joy in New Places :)

Just got a text from my mom saying that I have to move some of my furniture out tomorrow morning (due to Oregon rain next week).

Moving has never been so enjoyable in my life. I get excited thinking about moving anything out of here.

Thank you, rainy city!
Happiness and excitement are overcoming me :)
CAN'T WAIT!

I'm Counting Down The Days...

I move back to Eugene in 6 days, but who's keeping track?! Oh I wish I could explain how excited I am. The feeling I get just thinking about actually having some money in my pocket, friends down the road, and family close by is unlike anything I've felt in a long time. Perhaps that's due to my lack of feeling much of anything lately - but still great nonetheless. It's about time I can get out of that apartment and into the city that I love. "The World's Greatest City of the Art's and Outdoors" is the town's motto, and that about hits in right on the head. The bike trails, rivers, buttes, Birkenstocks, tree-huggers....oh I miss it all so much. I never appreciated it's true beauty until I left, but I love it now more than ever (possibly due to the little grains of hippiness my mom unconsciously installs in me).

One of my favorite places in Eugene
"Alton Baker Park"
It has brought me many memories as well as scars!

Another 6 days after that, 12 from today, is my twenty first birthday! Being 21 entails so many things for me. Having my best friends be my 25-year old sister and my 21-year old boyfriend makes it even more exciting. This means I am no longer forbidden from doing anything (well other than renting a car, but who cares about that anyways!?) I have been busy enough to restrain from counting down the days which means it's coming quicker than I thought! I have never been happier to be a St. Patrick's Day baby until this year. Should be interesting!

"Home is a place you grow up wanting to leave, but grow older wanting to get back to."

I'm Coming Home :)