A friend...

It's amazing how one person can have such an affect on your mood on any given day.

One kind thing they say. One thought they share with you. Or even just a little reminder of how much they care about you.

It's nice to know you're loved :)

It's even better when someone knows the real you, inside and out, and still adores you.

Bedtime

Another day has come & gone.

I am laying in bed, unable to sleep. I have many thoughts occupying my mind, yet I can't put a finger on any one in specific.

Tonight I am feeling a partial sense of pride and accomplishment in myself, yet part of me feel disappointed and ashamed. It's a weird feeling. So, because I am going to make the best of this day ...I am choosing to close my eyes, say my bedtime prayer, reflect on the many good things that happened today, and look forward to a new and beautiful day ahead of me.

Goodnight world.

Thought of the day.

"My worse days in recovery are better than my best days in relapse."

A statement has never been proven so true. Working on myself is hard. The pressure I put on myself is unbearable at times, and that scares me. And one of the hardest things is admitting you need help, and then getting it.

Lord made us all imperfect. And we need to strive for greatness, not perfection. I know that, now I just need to make it happen.

Thanksgiving

We attended a new Church last Sunday, and I thought I would share what I took from it.

Luke 17:11-19 shines light on how amazing God's power is, and also how important it is to be thankful for the many blessings we are given.  In case you aren't aware of this story, here it is:

¹¹ Now on his way to Jerusalem, Jesus traveled along the border between Samaria and Galilee. ¹² As he was going into a village, ten men who had leprosy met him. They stood at a distance ¹³ and called out in a loud voice, “Jesus, Master, have pity on us!”

¹⁴ When he saw them, he said, “Go, show yourselves to the priests.” And as they went, they were cleansed.

¹⁵ One of them, when he saw he was healed, came back, praising God in a loud voice. ¹⁶ He threw himself at Jesus’ feet and thanked him—and he was a Samaritan.

¹⁷ Jesus asked, “Were not all ten cleansed? Where are the other nine? ¹⁸ Has no one returned to give praise to God except this foreigner?” ¹⁹ Then he said to him, “Rise and go; your faith has made you well.”

When we say the words "thank you" it gives God glory.  It also grows your heart and deepens your relationships.  Saying thank you isn't enough, however; you have to mean it.  How do you show you mean it?  Be specific and genuine, go out of your way to say it, and say it in a way that each specific person will understand.  Gratefulness is contagious, as is ungratefulness.  I promise you that if you go out of your way to tell a family member, friend, co-worker, or whomever it may be that you are thankful for them and why, they will appreciate you so much more and will often times express their gratitude back towards you.  And trust me, it feels good to say it and hear it.  It's human nature to want to be appreciated.  And it's great character to express it.

I have learned that what you appreciate tends to get better, and what you depreciate tends to get worse.  We all need to work on this in ways, myself included.  I know I take my health and beauty for granted, but I am working on being thankful for what I have.  Truth is, I am so blessed.  My late friend Hillary has had a very big role in helping my self-acceptance.  She always saw so much beauty in me and I (very often) sub-consciously hear her telling me how beautiful I am when times get tough.  She really is my Angel.  My recent discoveries have really taught me that a powerful testimony of God is thankfulness among people facing adversity.  I am so glad that during my times of struggle, I am able to turn to God and I know that he is listening.  And despite how it may seem at times, I really am thankful for all he has given me and I do thank him every single day in prayer.

So please, express your gratitude to those around you.  Take a few minutes out of your day to send a card to loved ones, to make a couple phones calls, send a text, say a prayer - however it is that you feel comfortable.  We only have one life to live, and if we trust in God and live our life to the fullest, we will continue to be blessed with the many joys that life brings forth.  

Remember, the men with leprosy trusted in God when he told them to go show themselves to the Priest.  And before they even arrived, they were healed.  They didn't question the Lord and in return, the Lord blessed them.  Sometimes we have to believe and trust, even when it seems impossible. The Lord is there, and will always be there.  Just love him and live your life to make him proud.

Boredom!

This boy is the only thing that keeps me sane while I'm not working.

I always pictured that staying at home and not having the responsibility of going to work would be easy. Given, it's not exactly difficult. But I am no stay-at-home type. I go crazy without someone to talk to, or something to do. I keep myself occupied with cleaning (sometimes), cooking, grocery shopping, and going on jogs here and there... But I miss having a place I had to be at a certain time. Not to mention I miss the extra money! This will be much better someday when I have a baby to look after, but until then, this furry four-legged cutie will definitely do! I am seriously so lucky to have him. He brings me so much happiness just by looking at his cute face.

Hopefully soon I will be well and I can work again!

Happy Birthday, Dan!

Today is Dan's 24th Birthday!

I am so lucky to be in love with my best friend.

I really couldn't ask for a better husband.  

I am so blessed and in love.

Moments

"Did you ever look at a picture of yourself and see a stranger in the background? It makes you wonder how many people have pictures of you, how many moments of other people's lives we've been in. Were we part of someone's life when their dream came true, or were we there when their dreams died? Did we keep trying to get in, as if we were somehow destined to be there? Or did the shot take us by surprise? Just think, you could be a big part of someone else's life, and not even know it..."


Pretty crazy to think about, huh? I watch old episodes of "One Tree Hill" almost every morning, and I find so many of the things said so interesting and inspiring. I thought I would share this one for the day :)

My daily lesson.

A little catch up...

Well, needless to say it has been a while.  I'll try to do a quick catch-up so that if I do decide to continue blogging, it all might make a little sense.

Dan and I have been living in a rental house in Port Orchard, WA, since last March.  It's been a great change for us, and Charlie is loving it. He has a big front and back yard that he can run around in, and a beach just down the street that he loves to swim in.  Being in a house is really nice.  It's much more spacious than the apartment, and it makes me feel a bit more grown up!  Port Orchard is a beautiful city, as we are surrounded by water almost every where we turn.  It is a little further away from our friends, but that hasn't really stopped us from seeing them just as often.

2012 has been an amazing year. But, just like any other year, it always has its ups and downs.  Friendships have come and gone, and my trust levels with people has been tested.  But no matter what happens with life, all I know is that I am incredibly blessed to be surrounded with the people that I am.  Dan is an amazing best friend, and I honestly couldn't ask for anyone better.  My family is also my rock, and I know that I can count on them for anything. And of course, Charlie :)  That little fur-ball is so much more than a pet to me.

One thing I have found myself struggling with is my ability to accept my problems and to look beyond them.  I'm not going to go into too much detail, at least not yet.  It's been an ongoing battle to accept things about myself, and to stay strong for the sake of my family, and myself.  One of the hardest things for me has been my inability to count my blessings and to look beyond my problems and insecurities, but they are like an anchor that keeps holding me down.  I am hopeful that someday I will be able to live 100% happily and content with myself, but I've got a long ways to go.  It's not fun having to accept that you have problems, and even worse to admit that you won't be able to conquer them alone.  But until I find the strength within myself to really get the help I need, I will keep fighting this on my own. 

With Thanksgiving coming up, my goal is to start and end each day thanking God for the amazing people he has brought into my life, and all of the blessings he has stowed upon me. This really is a beautiful life, and I couldn't ask for more than what I have.  Except maybe a healthy wrist so I could get my broke butt back to work!  

One lucky mama :)

I may be biased, but I consider myself the luckiest person to get to wake up to this fuzzy face every morning.

No matter what stresses I have to face that day, cuddling up to him for 20 minutes first thing in the morning makes all my worries disappear.

I love him so much :)

I get a little big stronger.

Sometimes I wonder if God thinks that I am stronger than I am?

Does he want to challenge my internal strength by making me go crazy?

But then I start to wonder what really makes a person strong.

Is it faking a smile when you want to cry? Is it trying your best to make others happy when you're feeling down in the dumps? Is it lying and saying you're "okay" when you're really not? Because I've done all of those for a long time. But for the first time, last night, I felt really strong. I conquered a fear and I opened up to not one, but two of the closest people in my life. I talked to both Dan and my mom about what was really going on in my head. I've always got lots of crazy things going through that thing, but lately some things have been eating me away. I'm not perfect, and I have problems with myself just like any other person. But to actually let someone in, tell them how I was feeling, and become just a little more vulnerable to those around me made me feel a little stronger.

So, hopefully this is the start of a new me. A me that can open up without being scared of the repercussions. As weak as I may have felt to admit some of my problems, it took me a lot of strength to do so.

Tough Mudder? Yes please!

Dan and I have decided to really challenge ourselves this year.

We are considering purchasing tickets to this years "Seattle Tough Mudder."

Tough Mudder events are hardcore 10-12 mile obstacle courses designed by British Special Forces to test your all around strength, stamina, mental grit, and camaraderie. With the most innovative courses, half a million inspiring participants, and more than $2 million dollars raised for the Wounded Warrior Project, Tough Mudder is the premier adventure challenge series in the world.

In the Seattle Tough Mudder, there are 28 obstacles. Some of these include swimming, crawling through muddy water filled tubes, climbing walls, monkey bars, and many more. I must admit however, that I am dreading the final obstacle which is running through charged wires, some of which are a 10,000 volt shock.

This goal is different than any we've ever had. We've done our research, and are starting our training today. We are strangely excited about this. It's going to be difficult, and probably miserable at times, but I've always wanted to challenge myself in some extreme way. The average time for a physically fit person to complete this course is over three hours. I could care less if this takes me five (although three would be awesome), as long as I finish.

So, here's to the sore muscles and long runs! Let's get this thing going :)

Thanks to you

I haven't had much to say lately, but I just wanted to write today because I am feeling thankful.

Nothing specifically has happened to make me feel this way... but it's days like this that I love. I just woke up with a warm heart that feels extremely grateful.

So, thank you to all of you in my life. I love each and every one of you.

Follow your heart

Nobody knows you like you know yourself. Follow your heart, but don't forget to take your brain along.

Take my hand...

I like to think that I am strong most days. I am very fortunate with all that I have, so I should be a very thankful. Believe me, I am extremely grateful for my life and those in it.

But there are always challenges in life. Some known to others, and some within yourself. I deal with those more than I'd like. Sometimes I wish I could just tell the world everything that my crazy little brain has going through it... but trust me, the world isn't prepared for that ;)

I deal with the stresses in my life pretty well most days. But there are times that I'd like someone to read my mind and understand. Unfortunately, even if that were possible, I'm pretty sure no one would get it.

Over-thinking can really drive a person crazy. And my wheels are spinnin'

50/50...Make It Count

Today was a great day, despite a couple little hiccups.

It was a beautiful day here in Silverdale. The sun was shining through all my windows and my friend Caitlin came over today! We had a great couple of hours just talking about girl stuff, and our puppies played consistently. It was nice :)

I went to work at 3:30pm, and got sent home at 4:15pm. Short shift, huh? Well, I was feeling totally fine and then withing a few seconds, poof. My eyesight was close to gone, my body got really flushed and I started sweating, and my blood pressure went way up. It was so strange. But random dizzy spells aren't that unusual for me. A co-worker drove me home, and Dan drove me to Urgent Care a little later. They tested for many things, and are doing more tomorrow. I'm sure everything will be just fine, but I'm hoping to get some answers!

After we came home, we watched the movie "50/50." It's about a 27-year old male who gets diagnosed (very unexpectedly) with a rare form of cancer. Unfortunately, they caught it really late. But thankfully, in the end, he ends up being okay. The movie really portrays some of the stages of emotions people go through when dealing with serious things such as cancer and death. It's sad, realistic, and scary. But when it ends, it makes you feel so thankful.

I immediately texted my dad (who I haven't talked to in a day or two) just to say "I love you." Dan also instantly text messaged his mom saying the same. I love when a simple thing such as a song, quote, photo, or movie make you realize how wonderful you have it. Sure, we all have moments that we wish things were different. We all feel pain, regret, sadness, and many other unfortunate emotions. And we all experience things that seem unfair or hard to deal with. But we have life. And we have love. Whether you are in love or not, I guarantee you that there is someone out there who loves the person you really are.

So take a moment out of your crazy days just to say "I love you" to those that you love. I've said that many times, and I will say it millions more. You can't say it enough. And always be thankful. Appreciating what you have can make your life, and those around you, so much better. Life doesn't last forever, but the memories do. So make them count.

But the struggles make you stronger

And the changes make you wise

And happiness has its own way

Of takin' its sweet time

No, life ain't always beautiful

Tears will fall sometimes

Life ain't always beautiful

But it's a beautiful ride

Even Though I Feel Lost at Sea...

I've related to this song way too many time in the past couple of years, but... it is what it is.

Find someone.

Find someone who knows you and loves you for who you really are.

Find someone that is willing to tell you all their secrets and yet you still adore everything about them

Find someone that you feel you can trust with everything, and you know will never turn their back on you - despite how upset you might make them.

Find someone who you would consider your best friend and that you can't imagine your life without.

And once you find that person. Hold onto them, and never let them go.

Friend, boyfriend, husband, or wife. It doens't matter. If you find a person like this... that's a rare occasion. Keep them close and be thankful for their heart.

Weakness

Are you the type of person who feels better after a good cry?

I'm not.

Instead of feeling relief, I feel ashamed and embarrassed.

I know I shouldn't, but that's just always how I've been.

After reading a blog written by a friend a couple weeks ago...I did nothing but cry.

The blog hit home. It was relating to something I went through a short time ago.

I felt so stupid, and thankfully, Dan was in bed. However, he happened to wake up and come out to the living room to give me a hug - just in perfect time to see tears rolling down my cheeks.

I rarely cry. I rarely get so upset that I feel the need to cry. But once in a while things will hit me.

Over Christmas break this year, I had a lot on my mind. There's no need to go into what those things were...but they were filling my brain with stressful thoughts and I wasn't able to focus on much of anything. When I returned home, I had so much built up in me that I felt like I was going to explode. And although (after reading the blog) I only cried for a few minutes, I felt like I had cried weeks of built-up emotions out of my body.

I always say I need to become more in-touch with my emotions. I need to let others in so that I have someone to turn to on the rough days. I've had some amazing things happen to me this past year or so, but some really terrible things as well. I'm only human. Things do get to me.

I guess this is my way of attempting to open up. I don't think I'm doing such a good job at it, but it's an effort. I just have to remind myself that I am strong. I've created a wonderful life for myself despite the hard times. I've tried to grow from things and not let them affect my daily attitude. I usually do a good job, but like I said, I'm only human.

And I must admit - having Dan hold me for those few short minutes that I cried felt amazing. It was a feeling I'm not used to.

On Trust.

"If you say you can trust someone then you are admitting to something even greater then love. Trust involves all your thoughts and emotions to be given to someone so they can have. Trusting someone is knowing that you can be hurt so bad that none can even know. This is why trust is a word of great power."

Trust is a funny thing.

So many people have betrayed my trust throughout time. But do I regret trusting them? Not really. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. When they let me down, it's a lesson learned. It's unfortunate to put a lot of trust in someone only to be disappointed... but that is a part of life. I've trusted some people with my friendship, some with my emotions, some with my deepest secrets, and others with my heart. Thus far, I've been lucky. I appear as an open book, but there's a lot more to me than most people probably know. That is because I rarely confide in people. I keep most of my emotions and feelings to myself. I try my best to share them if they have the possibility of affecting others, but it's not always easy. I wish I was more trusting than I am, but it's hard. I do like to believe that everyone has good intentions though. I can only hope that's true for most people. '

If you know any of my big secrets, or if I've ever shown true and honest emotions around you - feel lucky. Because that means I trust you. Please don't let me down.

If people trust and love you, you will never walk alone.

House Hunting

I never thought looking for a rental home could be so difficult. It's time consuming, obnoxious, tedious, and frustrating. We've kept an eye on craigslist ever since we moved here. We always thought finding a house that fit our criteria would be so easy. Why is it that when you're not able to purchase something, you find hundreds of things that you want?! Yet, when the time comes that you actually get to purchase, there's absolutely nothing that tickles your fancy. We're pretty simple. We want a 2-bedroom place with a yard for under $1,000. Simple enough, right? Wrong.

Although I'm annoyed, I should probably quit my whining. I want a yard because I have the most amazing puppy I could ever ask for. One that really hasn't caused me any trouble. And I want 2-bedrooms so our wonderful families and friends can have a place to stay when they visit. And on top of all that, I have a husband who has the ability to make me feel safe and at ease no matter where I am. He is my rock and I love him so much.



How fortunate am I? Extremely. I couldn't thank God enough for giving me the life I have. But I could ask him for a little help with finding a nice little home for my family ;) hehe.

Happy Tuesday, everyone!

Recently...

It's been a while... I seem to go in phases with this thing.

So, what's new? Let's see.

- I'm still working at the same job (across the street). Am I loving it? No. But, what can you do? I'm looking for something I might love, but it's harder than I expected to find such a thing. But for now, money is money and being right across the street is pretty convenient.

- Dan and I are looking at possibly moving elsewhere when our lease is up, which would be in the end of February. We're pretty excited about (possibly) getting a place with a little more privacy and possibly a yard for the little man :) We're not settling though... we want to find a place we really like (and can afford).

- I've made a friend here who I trust and love! She's been a blessing since I've moved here. Her and I have gotten along great and I can talk to her about anything. Go figure (with my luck), she's moving away in a couple months, but I know that she'll come visit and that we will remain friends.

- Charlie is almost 6.5 months old and 55lbs now! He's getting big, and his personality is getting even bigger. He's extremely smart and we absolutely adore him. Our little family is wonderful and we're adapting to Washington pretty well.

- Happiness seems to fulfill my life most of the time. There are times that I get homesick and miss my family/friends in Eugene. But mommy - wow! - I'm a big girl now ;) Time to act like one I suppose ;) hehe. Thankfully I have my best friend by my side every single day & night. I couldn't be any more thankful for him.