Going Over To Hilly's

I'm going to Hillary's apartment today to help sort through some of her stuff. Also, I'm going to collect a few things that I want to keep.

I'm so scared. I don't know why I feel scared, but I do.
I know that I am afraid to smell you there. Everything is going to smell like you. It's going to break my heart to be there without you.

Gosh. I still can't believe this is real.

Missing you.

I saw you today, laying there in your new clothes wrapped up underneath a blanket.
You looked so peaceful and beautiful.
I went there for closure.
It didn't work at all.

The whole time I was there, I felt like you were going to open your eyes and surprise me.
I felt like you were going to text me as soon as I left.
I feel like you will call anytime and ask to hang out.

None of this makes sense to me.
It just doesn't add up.
I want to accept it and know that your in Heaven with the two most important men in your life - God and your dad.
Maybe I'm being selfish.
But I don't know how else to be.
I just want you back. I want you here.
I want to hug you, tell you I love you. I want to hang out, and make a million more memories together.
But I can't. And I won't be able to.

I've shed more tears this past two days than in the last many years combined.
I'm sad...but I know I haven't even accepted it yet.
It's still unreal to me. So incredibly unreal.
I knew this day could come, but I never thought it would.

I wish people knew the bond we had. Maybe I wouldn't feel so lost then. But I honestly feel like not one person truly knows how much fun I had with you, and how much we loved each other.
I love you. I love you sooo much. So much more than even I knew until now.

My Dear Friend...

Almost 21 years has passed since I've known you...all of which we've been best friends.
You've been more than a friend to me, you've been family.
You never hesitated to be there for me, and you knew I was always there for you, too.
I've never had a friend like you, and I know I never will find another.
You're unique. You're sweet, gentle, caring, beautiful, and kind.
We've had our ups and downs...but who hasn't?
We've shared so many memories, laughter, and tears.
And on this day, I shed tear after tear for you.
Not because I feel sorry for you.
But because I miss you.
I’m filled with regrets, pain, and sadness.
But I know you’re with your daddy.
You’ve always been a daddy’s little girl.
I know he’s taking such great care of you, and I’m sure your smile is more beautiful than ever at this moment.
Tell him I love him, and to give you a huge hug for me.
Just know that I miss and love you more than you can possibly imagine.
I never thought this day would come. And I hate that it did.
But Hilster, you were and always will be one of my very best friends.
My heart will forever hold a place for you.
I love you. I adore you. I miss you.
My best friend, my sister, and now, my Angel.